Everyone and his dog and the dogs fleas is muttering about the free gold live 10 day period, approaching us at a constant rate (Wednesday September 20th to Friday 29th). As I see it, this is akin to the tantilising 10 minutes of soft core pronography cable and satalite dangle in front of your flacid junk at midnight, goading you to turn you balls inside out in record time. Lets see anyone achieve that, if you’ve had the internet for any length of time.
We’ve all become desensitised. And don’t play coy, you know exactly what I mean, you wanker. (See what I did there?) In effect you’ll have nine days (count them) to wank yourself blind, so fucking well get some toilet rolls, something nice you know, charmin, treat yourself like, and have a good old tug on your 360.
Sweetening this deal are some special events on a few of the fave games, which include:
Halo 2 Winning Weekend <- Many of those people new to wanking play this.
Mystery Gamer <- I have no idea what that is
PGR3 Developer Showdown <- Race the developers? Odds on they use teh h4x tho tbh roflcopter
(multiple?) Newcomers Nights <- How to wank
Now remember, be clean. Don’t stay up late. Always use protection. And look both ways when you cross the road.
Atari’s VP of Sales and Marketing, Nique Fajors has not only forgotten how to spell his real name (Nick Fudger?), but also the fact that the spongy mattress he now sleeps on is made of thick wadges of Ubisoft cash.
Of course Driv3r was a pile of shit, of course it was thrown headfirst out the door before it even had a chance to put its trousers on, and of course that was all Atari’s fault. Sadly, they’ll only own up to their collosal screwup after the franchise has been sold off and pushed out of the realm of their responsibility.
You’d think that 19 million Euros would be enough to make Atari happy, especially given the kinds of diagrams they’re used to looking at in the boardroom.
Barely content with setting one severly under-developed game loose, EA have forced DICE (presumable under duress, who the fuck else would churn out poorly tested games at such a furious pace) to spew forth what seems to be a new ‘game‘. I’m not actually sure you can call it a new game. It does seem like they’ve made a few models and maps, with a bit of snow (yes this is new to PC players of BF2, unlike those XBox cunts what have lorded it over us), and perhaps tweaked some of that shit behind-the-scenes python, to make “Battlefield 2142″.
The internets, and mainly weirdo fanboys, have gone totally nuts about it, and have posted tid-bit after tid-bit about it and how it looks like it will be great. One thing I have to say, is have you fucking played BF2. It’s bug ridden from arse to tit. All python coding bugs as well probably. Shame coz the engine is actually pretty decent as far as I can tell.
Maybe they will do a Google and call everything Beta until people either stop complaining about bugs or stop playing. Anyway links follow with some of the early tripe.
I speak of course about E3. Rumours over the last 72 hours have been bouncing all around the web, “Oh no, E3 is cancelled, where will I see real women to wank over now?” or “Its the worst thing to happened to gameses ever 111one one one”. Over-reaction was never so well exampled than in instances of crap news reporting demonstrated thusly:
Next-Generation stride forward, with their eyes firmly aimed at a desolate future, weaping at the loss. Or do I mean failing to fully digest the news, and just making stuff up? You decide.
4 Colour Rebellion are easily led by Next-Generation, as were so many others… “The web space has been rampant all day with a rumor that E3, as we know it, will cease to exist from here on out. Next Generation has the exclusive, stating that…”
The world would not be complete without any willy waving, as so animated here, by
planetxbox360. Well done on the prediction fellas (“Now for a little self-promotion, we here at Planet Xbox 360 actually predicted that something like this would occur back in May.”), you must have massive penises.
Sadly the web, after a nice little bit of panic, and lets be honest, everyone likes to have a bit of flap now any then, has recovered, with most of the main contirbutors to the furor of incorrect stories, now turning against all the other sites, and having a good old yap about it. Well done all round.
In a move that will come as a suprise to nobody at all, EA have announced their first wave of uninspiring titles for the forthcoming Nintendo Wii. Have a good hard think about what some of them might be, then click through to the rest of the article…
World famous level designer John Romero is having another go at running her own dev studio. Unconfirmed rumours have it that Romero was walking down the front steps of her house when her ridiculous hair blew into her face, causing her to trip up and land on her oversized skull, erasing all memories of what happened the last time she tried to emulate John Carmack.
If only it were that easy for the rest of us to forget about Daikatana. Yes, I know Deus Ex was excellent, but by that stage it was really like trying to put a plaster on a chainsaw wound. Then Anachronox arrived which was rather like removing the plaster after it was getting a bit manky the next day with a scythe, swung at speed by someone with hair in their face and whom you weren’t sure if you could really trust on the best of days.
Slipgate are hiring hapless victims talented professionals now, so in their own words, “Apply now and prepare to enter the reality distortion field”. That would be the one where the games you work on are really awesome, in your own head.
Some incredibly useful people, you know, the sort that would be essential to the survival of mankind should there be a terrible appocolypse or whatever, have ‘invented‘ the best ‘device‘ ever. The illustration really tells you the whole store, thank fuck they came up with it.
The Sony E3 presentation has now become internet legend. I was going to post this before, but Robbo has reminded me by mentioining it today in IRC. So here is another remix, arguably the best so far. Watch it now.
If the following picture is to be believed, the next incarnation of the world famous Grand Theft Auto will have the lead character possessing two X chromosomes.
Interesting if true, I’ve never been a fan of the series so far, even the 2D incarnations left me cold (although I did enjoy the soundtrack in Vice City).
Edit - Rockstar have apparently dismissed the picture as a fake, oh well
Games Industry brings us news that the actor once predicted to go so far, Mark Hamill, is to get his second job. The Japanese hit Yakuza, is to be localised for western audiences, and in doing so has ‘attracted’ voice talents sure to help us understand the eastern-ness, and what with GAME scrapping its ‘no-quibbles’ returns policy, let’s hope they are right. A quote follows
“Topping the bill of vocal talent for the western adaptation is veteran actor Michael Madsen, who will voice Shimano, a physically imposing and brutal Yakuza boss. Star Wars legend Mark Hamill will provide the voice of Majima, an insane, violent Yakuza boss with a twisted sense of honour.
Other stars lending their voices to the game - which has already been a huge hit in Japan - include Smallville’s Michael Rosenbaum, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Eliza Dushku and Rachel Leigh Cook, the heroine of geek-to-chic teen flick She’s All That.”
A culmination of the last few weeks of articles on the web about Girl Gamers or Female Gamers or whatever the fuck they want to be called. An excellent article, and one which any person wishing to write about GGs should read lies here. Richard displays pretty much the same attitude as myself on this subject, in a sensible way. A breif quote follows:
‘If you absolutely have to put a picture of a regular female gamer, a thumbnail or something is perfectly acceptable. In no circumstances may you begin with anything other than a physical description, moving onto the actual ‘gaming’ part only as time permits - in much the same way that no write-up of Jonathan “Fatal1ty” Wendell ever goes without a discussion of his latest hair-style, or the pertness of his ass.’
I’m looking forward to Halo 3 as much as the next man, (unless the next man works for Sony), but the latest media offering from Studio Bungie is almost un-watchable due to the high self-love content.
Presumably after verbally copulating with the game’s design on-screen, the talking heads in the trailer all went back to their cubicles to compose love letters to each other.
Thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded, they can afford to make outrageous mistakes on their news website, and still get paid at the end of the month.
“In a Tokyo classroom, a teacher demonstrates how to turn on the PlayStation Portable and plug in the disc with the game on it.”
…
“In this version the player has to solve simple sums as quickly as possible. But there are many different types of game on the market, not just for the PlayStation, but Nintendo and other models too.”
I suppose doing a bit of journalistic research at the beeb would get in the way of snorting coke off an nubile lady’s buttocks.
Edit - 4-June-06, it looks like BBC News has corrected the information now, it’s lucky nobody noticed, eh?
