85 is not average

Atari’s VP of Sales and Marketing, Nique Fajors has not only forgotten how to spell his real name (Nick Fudger?), but also the fact that the spongy mattress he now sleeps on is made of thick wadges of Ubisoft cash.

Of course Driv3r was a pile of shit, of course it was thrown headfirst out the door before it even had a chance to put its trousers on, and of course that was all Atari’s fault. Sadly, they’ll only own up to their collosal screwup after the franchise has been sold off and pushed out of the realm of their responsibility.

You’d think that 19 million Euros would be enough to make Atari happy, especially given the kinds of diagrams they’re used to looking at in the boardroom.

I speak of course about E3. Rumours over the last 72 hours have been bouncing all around the web, “Oh no, E3 is cancelled, where will I see real women to wank over now?” or “Its the worst thing to happened to gameses ever 111one one one”. Over-reaction was never so well exampled than in instances of crap news reporting demonstrated thusly:

Next-Generation stride forward, with their eyes firmly aimed at a desolate future, weaping at the loss. Or do I mean failing to fully digest the news, and just making stuff up? You decide.

4 Colour Rebellion are easily led by Next-Generation, as were so many others… “The web space has been rampant all day with a rumor that E3, as we know it, will cease to exist from here on out. Next Generation has the exclusive, stating that…”

The world would not be complete without any willy waving, as so animated here, by planetxbox360. Well done on the prediction fellas (“Now for a little self-promotion, we here at Planet Xbox 360 actually predicted that something like this would occur back in May.”), you must have massive penises.

Sadly the web, after a nice little bit of panic, and lets be honest, everyone likes to have a bit of flap now any then, has recovered, with most of the main contirbutors to the furor of incorrect stories, now turning against all the other sites, and having a good old yap about it. Well done all round.

In a move that will come as a suprise to nobody at all, EA have announced their first wave of uninspiring titles for the forthcoming Nintendo Wii. Have a good hard think about what some of them might be, then click through to the rest of the article…

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The Sony E3 presentation has now become internet legend. I was going to post this before, but Robbo has reminded me by mentioining it today in IRC. So here is another remix, arguably the best so far. Watch it now.

See it on YouTube here.

Sequence of events:

• EA releases Battlefield 2
• Fan makes in-game recording using dialogue ripped from Team America: World Police
• American anti-terrorist organisation mistakes recording for actual terrorist activities
• Hilarity ensues

Full report here (requires flash)

Thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded, they can afford to make outrageous mistakes on their news website, and still get paid at the end of the month.

Exhibit A: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/5041690.stm

(on the NintendoDS game ‘Brain Training’)

“In a Tokyo classroom, a teacher demonstrates how to turn on the PlayStation Portable and plug in the disc with the game on it.”

…

“In this version the player has to solve simple sums as quickly as possible. But there are many different types of game on the market, not just for the PlayStation, but Nintendo and other models too.”

I suppose doing a bit of journalistic research at the beeb would get in the way of snorting coke off an nubile lady’s buttocks.

Edit - 4-June-06, it looks like BBC News has corrected the information now, it’s lucky nobody noticed, eh?

Have a good look at these screens:

Take a guess what game it’s from.

Here’s a clue, it’s from a remake of a game you may have played in the arcade if you are of a certain age. You may have even played in the sit down version, positioned next to the Space Harrier and Star Wars Cabinet.

Give up?

Well, it’s from the new Spy Hunter game starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

You know? Spy Hunter? That game in the 80s where your car turns in to a boat to the tune of the Peter Gunn theme?

I kid you not.

http://thespyhunter.com/

No one really expected a game based on the ‘run-away success’ Da Vinci code, to really get anywhere. Not only is it now a movie tie in, its also a fairly boring, hype based subject. This post is less about the game, and more about the effort of the BBC News story about it. Chet pointed this out on IRC today: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/5007998.stm

A summarisation of the discussion that follows, highlights the relentlessly poor quality of games reviewing the BBC produce. Jonathan Fildes begins the review with the standard opening, a small amount of cautiosly optomistic hype; “Even before its release, the Da Vinci Code video game had a lot to live up to.” In all honesty, did it really. Living up to a mediocre fictional novel, with a mediocre film tie in staring a few out of work actors, who really are worth more, does not leave a lot to live up to; (Jean Reno, what has happened to you?).

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When I think back to how much money I sunk into my current PC, one of my internal organs (I can’t be sure which) clenches up and rolls upside down in an ostrich head-in-sand kind of way. I’m okay with this; over a period of years of buying the latest hardware I’ve grown fully accustomed to the sensation. More recently this race to stay up to date has become futile as cutting edge graphics hardware price tags push £500, and depreciate proportionately faster than supercars, but even keeping up to within a generation or two of the latest technology will still cost you dearly.

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Those of you who thought you knew how to use a games console, probably should consider yourself among the lucky few. It seems that we are all a lot stupider than we realised, however help is at hand in the form of a new must have coffee table, or bog side book, XBox 360 for dummies.

Check it out on amazon here

“Microsoft’s Xbox now accounts for 37 percent of the game console market, and the new Xbox 360 is due out for the 2005 holiday season, months before Sony’s PlayStation 3. When gamers take the new Xbox home, however, they’ll soon discover that it’s more than a just a game machine it’s a full-fledged home media hub with more power than most PCs. This friendly guide shows how to maximize both gaming and non-gaming features of this amazing machine. The topics covered include hooking up Xbox 360, taking advantage of HDTV and Dolby capabilities, using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions, storing media files, playing music, and displaying photos. It shows how to have even more fun by taking an Xbox online for massively multiplayer gaming, instant messaging, and more and discusses the social potential of the Xbox, which people can use to make new friends, join groups and teams, and even throw fantastic parties. It also includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats.”

May I point out that this is bullshit from the original series of propegandic release from Microsoft. Allow me to elaborate by taking the example “using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions”, of which, the XBox 360 has neither, nor can it have, without an additional bit of hardware. So in many ways, every-fucking-thing out there that has USB can also be classes as a “home media hub”. Glad we got that cleared up. I’m still looking forward to the “even throw fantastic parties” feature, presumably thats one which will be available on XBox Live Marketplace, along with friends, alcohol and wotsits.

One thing that did catch my eye was “includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats”. I genuinely would like to know how to do that. But first I would also like to know what threats exist. It’s not like the 360 has a version of ‘patch tuesday‘. I had to entirely unfirewall my 360, and give it it’s very own external IP, for it to allow me to play COD2 at all, UPnP couldn’t give a shit.

The Fragdolls, everyones favourite female fabrication have been kind enough to grace BBC World with their presence. Follow the link below for a real treat. No, they don’get their tits out, but in all honest, would you want them to?

Read on

Gripping.

I preordered this game, on the strength of the previews and released developer diaries. I am not ashamed to say, I was sucked into the hype somewhat. The game looked amazing, and as the bloke on those videos chatted on about the cross com and how clever your squad-mates would be, I felt confident that the game was gna-be-fucking-amazing.

Well it’s not. It’s fun for about 2 hours. Then you get stuck on the super hard level, because it actually means impossible. Anyone who’s managed to get to, or past the second mission (chaingun in the chopper) mission on the super hard skill knows what I’m talking about. Repeatidly punishing my self-esteem by trying 20 times to get past the descent into the square could only lead me to one course of action; Throw the pad at the radiator and storm off in a huff.

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IGN posted a review a few days ago (read here) regarding the recently released EA title, Godfather. In true sensationalist style, objectivity flies out of the window as the review hits home hard with the comment ‘Whether you love or hate Electronic Arts, there is little doubt that of all the multi-million dollar licenses the mammoth company has bought, handling this one is the biggest yet.’, bigger than the licenses for its plethora of yearly re-versioned sports titles one must assume.

Shockingly the review continues with an almost honest tone; ‘EA did an OK job at capturing the film. The areas where it shines most are in the beginning‘. An ‘OK job’, we are clearly being treated to the very bleeding edge of games journalism. The honesty continues, commenting on how the game isn’t a movie, and that when it recreates the scenes, they are not moving, and even goes so far as to mention that the PC game ‘Mafia’ does a far better job of recreating the vibe of the Godfather movies. We knew this all along obviously.

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