85 is not average

Everyone and his dog and the dogs fleas is muttering about the free gold live 10 day period, approaching us at a constant rate (Wednesday September 20th to Friday 29th). As I see it, this is akin to the tantilising 10 minutes of soft core pronography cable and satalite dangle in front of your flacid junk at midnight, goading you to turn you balls inside out in record time. Lets see anyone achieve that, if you’ve had the internet for any length of time.

We’ve all become desensitised. And don’t play coy, you know exactly what I mean, you wanker. (See what I did there?) In effect you’ll have nine days (count them) to wank yourself blind, so fucking well get some toilet rolls, something nice you know, charmin, treat yourself like, and have a good old tug on your 360.

Sweetening this deal are some special events on a few of the fave games, which include:

Now remember, be clean. Don’t stay up late. Always use protection. And look both ways when you cross the road.

If the following picture is to be believed, the next incarnation of the world famous Grand Theft Auto will have the lead character possessing two X chromosomes.

Interesting if true, I’ve never been a fan of the series so far, even the 2D incarnations left me cold (although I did enjoy the soundtrack in Vice City).

Edit - Rockstar have apparently dismissed the picture as a fake, oh well

I’m looking forward to Halo 3 as much as the next man, (unless the next man works for Sony), but the latest media offering from Studio Bungie is almost un-watchable due to the high self-love content.

http://www.bungie.net/News/TopStory.aspx?link=e3makingof

Presumably after verbally copulating with the game’s design on-screen, the talking heads in the trailer all went back to their cubicles to compose love letters to each other.

Those of you who thought you knew how to use a games console, probably should consider yourself among the lucky few. It seems that we are all a lot stupider than we realised, however help is at hand in the form of a new must have coffee table, or bog side book, XBox 360 for dummies.

Check it out on amazon here

“Microsoft’s Xbox now accounts for 37 percent of the game console market, and the new Xbox 360 is due out for the 2005 holiday season, months before Sony’s PlayStation 3. When gamers take the new Xbox home, however, they’ll soon discover that it’s more than a just a game machine it’s a full-fledged home media hub with more power than most PCs. This friendly guide shows how to maximize both gaming and non-gaming features of this amazing machine. The topics covered include hooking up Xbox 360, taking advantage of HDTV and Dolby capabilities, using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions, storing media files, playing music, and displaying photos. It shows how to have even more fun by taking an Xbox online for massively multiplayer gaming, instant messaging, and more and discusses the social potential of the Xbox, which people can use to make new friends, join groups and teams, and even throw fantastic parties. It also includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats.”

May I point out that this is bullshit from the original series of propegandic release from Microsoft. Allow me to elaborate by taking the example “using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions”, of which, the XBox 360 has neither, nor can it have, without an additional bit of hardware. So in many ways, every-fucking-thing out there that has USB can also be classes as a “home media hub”. Glad we got that cleared up. I’m still looking forward to the “even throw fantastic parties” feature, presumably thats one which will be available on XBox Live Marketplace, along with friends, alcohol and wotsits.

One thing that did catch my eye was “includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats”. I genuinely would like to know how to do that. But first I would also like to know what threats exist. It’s not like the 360 has a version of ‘patch tuesday‘. I had to entirely unfirewall my 360, and give it it’s very own external IP, for it to allow me to play COD2 at all, UPnP couldn’t give a shit.