85 is not average

Another excellent edition of Way of the Rodent is out today, which includes this little gem:

As always, you can reach Way of the Rodent at http://www.wayoftherodent.com/

Have a good look at these screens:

Take a guess what game it’s from.

Here’s a clue, it’s from a remake of a game you may have played in the arcade if you are of a certain age. You may have even played in the sit down version, positioned next to the Space Harrier and Star Wars Cabinet.

Give up?

Well, it’s from the new Spy Hunter game starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

You know? Spy Hunter? That game in the 80s where your car turns in to a boat to the tune of the Peter Gunn theme?

I kid you not.

http://thespyhunter.com/

View now:

We thank you, Japan.

No one really expected a game based on the ‘run-away success’ Da Vinci code, to really get anywhere. Not only is it now a movie tie in, its also a fairly boring, hype based subject. This post is less about the game, and more about the effort of the BBC News story about it. Chet pointed this out on IRC today: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/5007998.stm

A summarisation of the discussion that follows, highlights the relentlessly poor quality of games reviewing the BBC produce. Jonathan Fildes begins the review with the standard opening, a small amount of cautiosly optomistic hype; “Even before its release, the Da Vinci Code video game had a lot to live up to.” In all honesty, did it really. Living up to a mediocre fictional novel, with a mediocre film tie in staring a few out of work actors, who really are worth more, does not leave a lot to live up to; (Jean Reno, what has happened to you?).

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So you’ve probably seen that that E3 thing is happening, as it does every year, and everyone sweaty person and his sweaty mum wants to know what sweaty things are going on there. Fortunatly, someone has condensed all the relevant information about the Playstation 3, into a short video. Please view it. Now.

When I think back to how much money I sunk into my current PC, one of my internal organs (I can’t be sure which) clenches up and rolls upside down in an ostrich head-in-sand kind of way. I’m okay with this; over a period of years of buying the latest hardware I’ve grown fully accustomed to the sensation. More recently this race to stay up to date has become futile as cutting edge graphics hardware price tags push £500, and depreciate proportionately faster than supercars, but even keeping up to within a generation or two of the latest technology will still cost you dearly.

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Since Battlefield 2 (BF2) dropped back in June last year, you could say I’ve put in a good amount of play into it. Certainly enough for me to raise a point or two without fear of being called a noob. Then again, I’m not sure that’s a fear we ever escape.

When BF2 was released, it got bloody good scores. At the time, I would have completely agreed with those 90-95% marks. The game really brought home the holy trinity of teamwork, killing and shouting that is usually only enjoyed by PC gamers religiously - that is to say at Easter and Christmas when everyone is off work and can get together for a LAN (party).

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Those of you who thought you knew how to use a games console, probably should consider yourself among the lucky few. It seems that we are all a lot stupider than we realised, however help is at hand in the form of a new must have coffee table, or bog side book, XBox 360 for dummies.

Check it out on amazon here

“Microsoft’s Xbox now accounts for 37 percent of the game console market, and the new Xbox 360 is due out for the 2005 holiday season, months before Sony’s PlayStation 3. When gamers take the new Xbox home, however, they’ll soon discover that it’s more than a just a game machine it’s a full-fledged home media hub with more power than most PCs. This friendly guide shows how to maximize both gaming and non-gaming features of this amazing machine. The topics covered include hooking up Xbox 360, taking advantage of HDTV and Dolby capabilities, using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions, storing media files, playing music, and displaying photos. It shows how to have even more fun by taking an Xbox online for massively multiplayer gaming, instant messaging, and more and discusses the social potential of the Xbox, which people can use to make new friends, join groups and teams, and even throw fantastic parties. It also includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats.”

May I point out that this is bullshit from the original series of propegandic release from Microsoft. Allow me to elaborate by taking the example “using built-in digital video recording and wireless functions”, of which, the XBox 360 has neither, nor can it have, without an additional bit of hardware. So in many ways, every-fucking-thing out there that has USB can also be classes as a “home media hub”. Glad we got that cleared up. I’m still looking forward to the “even throw fantastic parties” feature, presumably thats one which will be available on XBox Live Marketplace, along with friends, alcohol and wotsits.

One thing that did catch my eye was “includes tips for securing the Xbox from online threats”. I genuinely would like to know how to do that. But first I would also like to know what threats exist. It’s not like the 360 has a version of ‘patch tuesday‘. I had to entirely unfirewall my 360, and give it it’s very own external IP, for it to allow me to play COD2 at all, UPnP couldn’t give a shit.

Some of you will remember Domonik Diamond, popularised by the Channel 4 series Gamesmaster. Seems the poor fellow has lost his way, and in his efforts to get back to the straight and narrow, turned down the opportunity to be crucified. God knows why. Read the article in the Guardian here.

Brief excert:

A tabloid columnist making a documentary about his quest to rediscover his faith yesterday backed out of being crucified in a Good Friday ritual in the Philippines after seeing 11 others nailed to crosses.

Dominik Diamond, 36, a life-long Catholic from Arbroath who has said he was making the film after recent events made him start to doubt his faith, declined to discuss the incident afterwards. After praying, he left the scene.

Rants concerning women in gaming (not to be confused with girls in gaming) are numerous when one looks. However ones that actually use the words we all use in our heads are few. This man braves a new teritory, and if he survives with his balls intact, man even father children. If I said some of this stuff in front of my female friends that play games, I wouldn’t keep my balls very long. There are several following updates from the initial page, emphasising his case, be sure to read them. The following is an sample:

But funny thing - most of them actually do attract sponsors. Here is why;

They have vaginas. They have asses. They have tits. They have mouths.

Initial post: here. Follow up 1: here. Follow up 2: here.

PointlessWasteOfTime has an article that is fully worth reading, “Fanboy Intervention”, regarding the atrocious state of the hype surrounding the “forthcomming” Nintendo console. Many of its points can of course be applied to any and every game with hype surrounding it, however they ring truer in this case.

A quote from the article:

‘”One photo shows a player holding the Revolution controller behind his head with the corresponding screen shot displaying the (sword) hilt being held up to the character’s face.”

That’s right. You’ll be required to swordfight with this thing, which means you’ll have to sit on your sofa, swinging your arm around like you’re having a seizure.’

I cannot wait. It will be like dancemats, for your arms and such. Catch the whole thing, here.

Some of you will be old enough to have anticipated Stuntman on the PS2 before its release in September 2002, moreover some of those people will have been somewhat disapointed at spending wasting half of your time looking at fucking loading screens. Admittedly the PS2 was doing a fair bit, but games that could be considered its peers of the time were doing a lot better. It’s now 2006 and the word is out that Stuntman 2 is in development and has gotten far enough along to have released some shots to some magazine. Hexus.net bring us this news, but don’t link to the site, how kind of them. I’ve copied and pasted the felatio blurb like you could give a fuck. Hit the link at the bottom for the shots.

Excert: Stuntman 2 is a mission based driving game, currently in development by PARADIGM ENTERTAINMENT, and published by Atari.

Little is currenltly known about the next title in the Stuntman series, but we can be sure they’ll be plenty of deadly objectives, T-bone smashes, and extreme vehicles to smash to pieces!

Hexus article here.

Chances are you are/have already read this, however I must make it clear that you are to consume it now with all you brain. Begin. Way Of The Rodent: Issue 72

Exceptional Outrun: Coast 2 Coast rant on UKResistance, here.

Verbally devistate you foes with a Platronics xbox live headset. Read the news on kotaku here.

Oblivian is not immune to a little hot coffee of its own: Read more.

The Fragdolls, everyones favourite female fabrication have been kind enough to grace BBC World with their presence. Follow the link below for a real treat. No, they don’get their tits out, but in all honest, would you want them to?

Read on

Gripping.

I preordered this game, on the strength of the previews and released developer diaries. I am not ashamed to say, I was sucked into the hype somewhat. The game looked amazing, and as the bloke on those videos chatted on about the cross com and how clever your squad-mates would be, I felt confident that the game was gna-be-fucking-amazing.

Well it’s not. It’s fun for about 2 hours. Then you get stuck on the super hard level, because it actually means impossible. Anyone who’s managed to get to, or past the second mission (chaingun in the chopper) mission on the super hard skill knows what I’m talking about. Repeatidly punishing my self-esteem by trying 20 times to get past the descent into the square could only lead me to one course of action; Throw the pad at the radiator and storm off in a huff.

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